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I've continued to think about whether I should see this period of my life as marked by new beginnings. Is there something I might learn about my own time and place by thinking about the end of Israel's exile? "I am about to do a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?"
One thing that occurred to me back on that day was that maybe the time had come to cut my hair. Some people know that I started growing it out to its full length when Everly's hair fell out from chemotherapy. Since 2012, seven years ago, I have had only a few trims when my mom or kids urged me to get the ends cleaned up. I've not been much of a hair stylist. I just let it grow as it will, and tried to keep it clean and combed.
I've told that story to many people who might have wondered why the Baptist preacher had such long hair. I've explained when people inquired about the old man's unusual non-fashionable hair style choice. I would say, "I started growing it when my wife's hair fell out from chemotherapy. After she died, I kept it. So far I haven't thought of a good reason to cut it." I'm not sure what I thought a good reason would be. But on that day, I thought maybe a reason with symbolic sense had come to me.
A few days later, I was talking with a friend who told me she had a discipline of "harvesting" her hair. She grew it out to a full length, then periodically cut it off to send to an organization which used it to provide wigs for cancer patients. She had done this cycle many times.
I also had sent my hair to a cancer support group once before when I experimented with growing out my hair for few years. It seemed to be one more reason to add to my hermeneutical reflection about possibly cutting my hair. I started planning to get a haircut. I even leaked this plan in conversation with a few people. One person, knowing my mischievous side, suggested that I wait to cut it until I made my out-of-state trip to visit my dad in Texas. That way, when I returned to North Carolina, I could anticipate getting the "maximum shock value." I settled on that plan. Dad was extremely happy to be a partner in getting my long hair cut off, as he was never fond of it. We took care of it right away after I arrived.
The shock value plan worked. I've had a great time showing up to my usual activities and encountering people's amazement. A few have felt the need to tell me I look younger, which is not my goal. I'm proud of my years achieved. I'm not surprised that many emphasize that I "look great." I know that having that long, shaggy mop of hair was in part a way to make myself distasteful to people's expectations, of thumbing my nose at conventionality. I didn't expect people to like it. One fellow minister said that if I could get a haircut, it was another sign that "with God all things are possible." The locally owned pharmacy staff, with whom I've been doing business every month for a decade or more, had to ask my name when I came in to get my refills. It's been fun to reappear in Durham as a new person.
Aside from the shock value and the fun, getting my hair cut is also for me a symbolic change. Growing my hair was a sign of solidarity with Everly when her hair fell out, and it continued to be that for the remaining months of her life over the next year. After she died, keeping the long hair involved shifting from solidarity with her in her living to a symbol of grieving her loss. From year to year, I did not see a reason to cut it. Perhaps at some deep level I was wearing my hair like a veil of mourning. I sometimes entertained that idea, but never formally adopted it as my rationale. I simply could not bring myself to the point of wanting a change.
In May of this year, as we were approaching what I had come to call my "sad season" between May 24, my wedding anniversary, and July 18, the anniversary of Everly's death, once more the weight of grief pressed upon me. But under that weight, I found myself in the midst of a complexity of emotional and intellectual ferment.
Intellectually, I had arrived at a moment in my research and writing that had been very slow coming. About ten years earlier, Willie Jennings and Dan Rhodes had coached me toward developing a book idea based on thematically similar essays I had written. Dan even helped me create a possible outline and suggested a title I might use. Yet as he and I talked through the structure of the project, I realized that there were severe gaps that I would have to fill before an outline of the book would make sense to me.
So I started working on those particular tasks. I wrote and presented papers in the next few years that took important steps toward filling those gaps. In each case, when I reached the temporary end of an assignment, I realized that I still had more work to do. My pattern of scholarship over the years would have meant that I would pick up these topics again and complete the research as I prepared to present at an academic conference. That process was interrupted in 2012 when Everly was diagnosed with cancer. All of my energy and focus shifted toward supporting her "in sickness or in health." I stopped writing new essays for a number of years afterward.
Eventually I started to get back on track, but the great breakthrough came about because of the invitation to give lectures at Hong Kong Baptist Theological Seminary last October. They agreed to my topic for Baptist Heritage Lectures as "Baptist Ecclesiology After Whiteness." The three lecture topics corresponded to three unfinished gaps in my research and writing. The gift of a place to stay and focus on writing allowed me to bring all three topics to a satisfying point of development.
Building on that progress, I wrote an essay for a conference in May which further built upon the critical work necessary to write the book I was envisioning. A month later, on a week-long writing retreat, I put together a full outline of the book, with chapter summaries, a new prologue, and a fleshed out proposal so that colleagues could help me refine it before sending it to a publisher.
Yes, something new is happening in this year of my life. I am emerging from a season of intense grief toward what my buddy Willie has been pointing me for a couple of years. He has told me a few times that he is seeing signs that "I'm still living." In similar tone, Curtis Freeman keeps reminding me that I have important work to do and things to say that he and many more people need to hear. He told me that my presentation in May had him and the entire room "spellbound." I'll take the complement even if it may be an exaggeration. And my colleague in organizing, Tim Conder, keeps reminding me that there are things that I need to write that no one else he knows is able to say the way I can say them. I'm not inclined, at least in my saner moments, to believe with Elijah that I am the only one left to do God's work, but I appreciate Tim's reminder that the distinctive person I am and the life that I have lived entail a message and calling from God that I need to faithfully carry out in my scholarly work.
Part of what is new in my life is also the rising up of joy after a long valley of sorrows. If any of you followed my blog over the years, you know about the grief I have waded through. It has not been only grief, but I have sometimes wondered if I would forevermore be known to many of my friends as the sad widowed man. I wondered for myself whether I would have strength to be more like the visionary and committed servant of God that Everly once chose to share her life with. Or would I be confined as the broken man who struggles to find the energy to finish out an academic career. It's an exaggerated contrast, but it isn't lacking in truth.
In May, and June I started writing in this blog about the emotional transformations I was recognizing and working through. I wrote about friendships, and about taking to heart my responsibility to enrich and expand those relationships with people who care about me. I wrote about friends who were influencing me, encouraging me, and inspiring me to fulfill what they could see in me, even if I did not always see it for myself. I'm not going to repeat what I wrote in those posts, but I will reiterate that I'm striving to live not only in the shadow of a great loss, but in the light of a community of friends and the hope of joy in sharing life with them.
My deepest theological convictions tell me that we are put into this world to play our parts as builders of loving, just community wherever we find ourselves living and working. We receive the blessing of those who come our way. We recognize the failures of justice and love and commit ourselves to repair and restore the goodness that ought to be.
I can't do that if I'm shrunken into myself and pulling away from the liveliness of caring for one another.
A few days ago I was looking through my Facebook account and noticed that it said I am married to Everly. I guess I never felt the need to change it. But now it seems as if the symbolic meaning of keeping my hair long aligns with the symbolic meaning of continuing to list myself as married. My marriage with Everly brought fulfillment, gave us three children, and I believe blessed many other people. It is okay to acknowledge that our anniversaries ended at 33 years, and the household we built did not continue as long as we had hoped. I've been saying it for many years--I am widowed. So I quietly changed it on the worldwide software platform, too.
Recently I was looking at some photographs in a blank greeting card display. One of the photographs showed a trail through a plush woodland, thick with green undergrowth. The picture showed the trail bending as it appeared more narrow, extending farther into the distance. Around the bend, no one can yet see. I can't be sure what is ahead, but I do believe this is a season of new things. I've cut my hair after seven years (for now). I'm opening my daily routines and my heart to build loving friendships here and now. I'm in the midst of compiling many years of work into a book. I'm looking ahead to see what might be next. "From this time forward I will make you hear new things, hidden things that you have not known." I hope y'all will walk with me.
